Top 5 Resolutions Easiest to Maintain

It is almost 2014, and it is time for New Years resolutions. Most people make resolutions that are either no fun, or impossible to keep. Those that do make resolutions and can keep them are of some other variety of human, perhaps even superhuman. In fact, in a poll of 10 people 93% said they couldn't keep the resolutions they made! and it was especially worse if they have made recurring resolutions. Now, I like to help people feel better about themselves, and since not keeping resolutions is the top reason for depression in the world, as it should be, I have come up with the top five resolutions for people to make and easily keep this year. For the betterment of humankind. Here they are in descending order.

5. To gain a significant amount of weight and deteriorate in health.

This is harder to keep than one might think. I've known people who have actually had trouble gaining weight, despite their eating habits, so it is why it is number five. So here are some tips to keeping your weight up. Eat plenty of junk food like Doritos chips and candy bars. But if you ate only these things it still won't make you gain weight. Remember to count your calories. Try to eat between 3000 and 4000 calories to gain weight. This is the single best way to gain weight. Drink water only as much as you need to stay hydrated, otherwise drink soda. Especially dark sodas. If you follow these things you'll gain massive amounts of weight.

4. If single to remain single, if dating become single.

This is also a bit higher on the difficult scale. The draw to a boyfriend or girlfriend is hard to resist for some people. And let's face it, some of you pretty people (boys and girls) have a lot of people hit on you. That's hard to reject constantly, I know. So, more tips. Disregard any hygiene principles. If you never shower, brush your teeth, or put on deodorant you will keep people far away from you. You may become very lonely though, so try staying to Facebook and social media sites to keep your sanity. Also, if an attractive person approaches you for any reason, spit on them. 

3. To continually worsen in character

It's hard emotionally to kick a puppy, but do it. You'll feel better once it is done and you may actually enjoy it. Also, steal from a church, or a homeless person. This will continue to delineate your state of mind to a decrepit human.

2. Never donate money to any charitable cause

Charitable causes get plenty of money from other sources, even if you like them and think they are cool, think on that fact and they'll be easier to resist. If you become desperate remember that you made the money. It's yours. Take that me/mine mentality to the ultimate lever. Finally, remember your measly donation will never do any good anyway.

1. Resolve to never make a resolution.

This is by far the best to follow. Then you can do whatever you want and never have to worry about bettering yourself in any way.

Happy New Years, everyone!

Auld Lang Syne

Since it is still the season of holidays, I bring you more history on things you don't know and probably never would have known about. This time I am going to let you know about the song Auld Lang Syne, to which you probably only know the well known lyrics of "Should auld acquaintance be forgot / and never brought to mind / should auld acquaintance be forgot / and auld lang syne." There are a lot more lyrics, and perhaps they will be brought up. Probably.

Now this is an old Scottish song originally, so that is why you are wondering "what does auld lang syne mean anyway." I am 1/128th Scottish, so I have absolute authority in what I am about to say. Auld Lang Syne actually translates to Old Long Sign. It is the only part of the song we haven't translated word to word from the original Scottish language. Now, it is fair to be said that the lyrics make no sense the way we sing them. So, let me help elaborate extensively on this.

The song is about a girl, as every good Scottish song should be. Particularly, it is about a Scottish boy singing to a girl. She wasn't Scottish, it was hundreds of years ago, there were problems, we won't go there. Now this is a fine love song about wandering around the braes and plucking at the gowans (original Scottish). And yes, they probably mean exactly what you think they mean. So he talks to his girl in such this way over a course of five verses until we get to the last one that says

And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere (girl in Scottish) !
and gie's (give) a hand o’ thine ! [Asking for her hand]
And we’ll tak a right gude-willy waught, (I don't want to explain this one)
for auld lang syne (The old long sign).

Basically, the old long sign isn't a sign of love like you are now thinking. It was a sign on the road that meant that he was almost home. So while being away signing love songs to his girl, the old Scottish boy was looking for the sign that he was almost home. Leaving his acquaintances and friends behind to return home the woman he loved. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Especially that wikipedia. What has happened over the last hundred years is that the song is played while people are drinking, and so the lyrics have gotten mumbled and lost in translation, but rest assured that my 1/128th Scottish self knows exactly what the song means. 

White Elephant

It's Christmas time! In lieu of this many of you will attend, or have already attended a White Elephant party. This is a long standing tradition that dates back centuries ago. Now, most of you do not know where the tradition of the White Elephant comes from.

Please allow me to enlighten you.

In many South Asian countries, white elephants were highly regarded and was usually a sign of great political power. Why do you think the Republican insignia is an elephant? It's been passed down for centuries. Now, white elephants are rare creatures, always have been, always will be. To see one was a great omen and meant good tidings. Usually this included the destruction of one's village. Why this was great, no one really understands, but it was totally highly regarded by many people.  White Elephants would trump through the village and destroy everything in their path. For some reason they are the angriest version of the usually peaceful loving pachyderm. So it was a blessing to have one come upon you, but a hardship as well.

So after years of enduring tortuous amounts of damage, villagers started to build little white elephant statues in ward off the destruction of their homes. This worked out so well that annually they would gather to gift these presents to one another on the basis of keeping a thriving village commune while also being able to be graced by the presence of a white elephant. The reason this was annual was because these were usually poor villages (white elephants hardly ever strike large, rich towns. In fact, the rather seem to parade those towns as royalty) so the materials used were cheap and broke in about a years time. Also, since you only needed a little statue to keep the beasts away, economically, it did not make sense to build an extremely valuable piece when a mangy thing worked well enough.

This is where we pull this particular tradition from. If you were wondering why we always need to spend $5 or less it is due to the cheaply made statues by the villagers, and why the heck it is called a white elephant party in the first place is because of the gifting of white elephants in those South Asian countries. The more you know.

Randy Facts

This blog is in no way accurate or actually factual, so please do not believe what appears on these pages. Really, it's a way for me to creatively make fun of most things in life, and have you (hopefully) laugh alongside me.

This idea all began years ago with my family. Now, I used to be a bit of a storyteller (not a liar). I would sort of inject my own perception into the truth and then it would become truth to me. My family eventually got over their anger in this and began calling these "truths" Randy Facts. Hence the name of this blog. Sort of cute and creative isn't it? My family is good at naming things.

Basically, this blog is satirical and sardonic. It, (I said it because all writers know once an idea gets loose it gets a mind of its own) will poke fun at politics, histories, and will probably make up its own words and etymologies for them. This blog is for the light of heart. For the laughers and chucklers out there. For every body who has their own "facts" and delights in them.

Now as a note and a warning, if you leave some random comment or email that describes exactly how this blog is ridiculous, as it should be, and you are particularly angry at it, I will use that comment or email against you. How could I not let the hilarity ensue since you didn't even bother to read my first post?

Enjoy,

Randy